My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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