But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
