My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I think a kid would responsible me up
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
