Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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