be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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