A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
