Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
