Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
