Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
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did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
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No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
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