Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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