I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
