I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just gargled with NyQuil
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
