he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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