i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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