captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
