God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Randomize
