Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
