There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
