can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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