so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
