sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I looked at my own cervix.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
