I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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