Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I just had sex on a roof
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
