so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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