Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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