how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
