I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
