Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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