Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
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