Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
