Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
