I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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