I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
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