everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
so let's talk penis.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I enjoy the company of your penis
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
