The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
i think my cat just said my name.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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