Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I want a musical about memes.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
