As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
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