If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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