Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
