i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
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