Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
