My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
