the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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