apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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