update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I'm really busy with my period
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