I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Randomize
