Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
