well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I just gift wrapped bread.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
