You're my little dorito
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
