there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
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coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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