I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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