Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
