I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
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We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
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The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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