the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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